I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm at about main and main street
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
