my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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