Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
