Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
