I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
