So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't put those talents on a resume
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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