clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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