Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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