I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
