Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
