I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
