I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
