The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
