Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
