dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
