1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If i come over, it means nothing
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
