He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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