I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
