WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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