Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
