Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
