I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
