You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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