just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
