his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
