i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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