There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
