Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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