Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
