We're facebook friends in real life
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
