We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
