Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
