Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the condom got lost in my hair
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
