Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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