My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
