After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
