Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
