I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
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Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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