i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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