Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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