May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
