then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
