Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
