Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
