Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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