so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize