i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
