just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
