Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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