i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
