we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Girls should come with a carfax report
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to make out with him forever
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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