It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
