I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
