I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
