I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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