i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
