is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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