You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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