The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
